Tag Archives: Creepy men

Tip #37: You don’t become ostentatious just because you have cable

August 1, 1999

I ❤ MTV! Oh, it is the BEST, but unfortunately we don’t get cable. I mean, HELLO—everyone gets cable. You can’t be ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious of you don’t have cable. Plllleassssse!


Dear Me,

Cable TV shows on E! and Bravo. These are the real ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious people in the world.

Cable TV shows on E! and Bravo. These are the real ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious people in the world.

Start squealing: your grown-up self has cable! Eeeeeeeeeeee! I’m now super ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious (good use of SAT words, by the way). Yes, that’s right; I’ve made it to the top tier of America because I have cable. Instead of going to galas and driving around in my Lambo (code for going to parties thrown by friends and driving in a Toyota Yaris), I stay at home and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo and Keeping up with the Kardashians on E! You’re not familiar with these shows, but they’re about super ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious assholes too. You keep good (virtual) company.

Is my life better with cable? Technically yes. I think what you really mean by “ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious” is that you can have normal conversations with people without pretending. My biggest problem in high school was when the MTV VMAs aired at the beginning of the school year and I had to listen to everyone talk about them. In the morning, I would eavesdrop on discussions about the VMAs so that by the afternoon I was informed and able to hold down a conversation as though I had actually watched it. But this still didn’t make me swanky enough since I knew in my heart that I had missed the biggest night in TV for teenagers of my generation.

Now I don’t need to pretend. Did you see everyone get slaughtered at the Red Wedding? Why, yes I did! Can you believe that half of Gustavo Fring’s face got blown off by Walt? Super crazy! Did you see Miley grinding Robin Thicke? They’re both tasteless sleazeballs, and I saw it live because finally, in my late twenties, I’m watching the VM-freaking-As!

My life goal: to watch the VMAs live.

My life goal accomplished: to watch the VMAs live.

But I might be behind the times. Yet again. Because when I talk to my co-workers, especially the younger ones, they looooooove saying in a superior voice that they don’t get cable. Why would they? They can download everything for free, if needed. But since they are, for the most part, true environmentalists, they are excessively proud of the fact that they don’t even own a TV. No need to rot your brain, support evil capitalists, create additional waste, AND pay for it all at the same time. Well, I guess the joke’s on me! Note to self: these days, the fast-track to being ostentatious, swanky, and pretentious is to NOT get cable. Who would have thought? Welcome to the future!

Love,

You

https://i1.wp.com/mtv.mtvnimages.com/uri/mgid:file:http:shared:public.articles.mtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/miley-cyrus-robin-thicke-mtv-vmas-2013.gif

I sure was missing out in high school! Yay MTV!!

Tip #46: Please, I’m begging you: wear your retainer!

January 28, 2000

Okay, I am so mad! In second grade, I got a retainer. Then in third grade, I got braces for three years and then a retainer again since then. Now I don’t mind retainers but recently my wisdom teeth came in and uh-no! My teeth aren’t perfectly aligned on the right side of my mouth! No one can even see. Urrrrr. So anyway, my stupid orthodontist put braces in my mouth with rubber bands laced around them. When the rubber bands are in, it hurts my teeth. But when they are out, there is no cushioning and the braces poke at my cheeks. I have bloody sores on my cheeks, but when the rubber bands are in they clamp my teeth down so tight I can barely talk!


Dear Me,

I’m getting down on my hands and knees and begging, pleading, imploring you to wear your retainer. Please, little Kirsten, do not stop. Ever. This is – no joke – my number one regret in life. Look how sad you were; how much pain you endured for over a period of TEN years to get your teeth perfectly aligned. Don’t let all of the tears and fights be in vain. Think of all the money your parents spent to make you not look like your friends and family in Europe.

High School Prom (2003)/Wedding (2010). My bottom teeth don't look so bad at my wedding, but that was four years ago. You don't even want to see an updated photo.

High School Prom (2003)/Wedding (2010). My bottom teeth don’t look so bad at my wedding, but that was four years ago. You don’t even want to see an updated photo.

And your teeth were beautiful. People on the street would stop you just to compliment your smile. Okay, mainly creepy men, but who’s keeping track? All you needed to do was flash those flawless pearly whites and heads would turn, traffic would stop, and trumpets would sounds. Fine, I might be overreacting, but you did get one boyfriend (now husband) with your straight teeth.

Then one night in college you were sleeping in your dorm when a knock on the door woke you out of your slumber. You stumbled out of bed, not caring in the slightest what you looked like, to find one of your friends on the other side, taunting you for falling asleep before midnight (shhhh… it was really 10:30 p.m.). And what’s that? You have two retainers in your mouth? You still wear those? What a little baby! And that was it. Your retainers got hidden away for the next six months, until you found them when you were moving out of the dorm. You and your roommate laughed when you both could barely shove your respective retainers into your mouths. Your top one fit with much difficulty, but the bottom… well, was toast. You both laughed; silly teeth!

Ha. Ha. Ha. NOT FUNNY! The bottom teeth might have moved just slightly back then, but they will just keep sliding. Now they bother me so much that I have a habit of pushing them forward with my tongue or grinding them in hopes that they will go back in place (for the record, this has been an epic fail). I religiously wear my top retainer every night so that the top teeth don’t meet the same destiny. Luckily, I’m tall so when I’m standing, people can’t really see my bottom teeth. But then they see my double-chin, so it’s really a wash as to what’s worse.

I’ve been contemplating Invisalign for years, but I can’t bring myself to do it again. I don’t want to shed one more single tear due to the physical and monetary pain of making my teeth straight. But I’ll probably need to since grinding your teeth is like super bad. I just wish I could tell my past self: wear your freaking retainer!!!

Love,

You