January 15, 1999
So, this is what I want to be when I grow up. Okay, don’t laugh. I want to be a spy. I mean, like this is kind of my like fun fantasy job that would never happen. Just like me becoming an actress or something. Plus, I wouldn’t really want to be a spy for a career or something, it is just fun to imagine being a spy. You know, one of those good spies who travels all around the world. That’s the only way I’d be able to see the world.
I have really bad news for you. Are you sitting down? Please don’t hate me, but… you don’t become a spy when you grow up. I know, even you admit in this entry that it’s your “fun fantasy job,” but no one’s buying it. We all know this is what you truly wanted to be when you grew up.
This diary entry was written in eighth grade. By senior year, you had refined this dream career into a slightly more realistic job with the Department of Homeland Security. They don’t exactly do international spying, but they spy here at home. Still fun! Yeah… okay… that dream didn’t work out either. Sorry.
But hey, don’t be sad! I’m an environmental consultant. It’s kinda like being a spy. Instead of spying on bad-guys to protect citizens of the United States of America, we spy on land developers in order to protect the environment, which is a citizen of the world. Instead of using weapons to kill the opponents, we use the written word to save endangered species. Instead of globetrotting, we travel around the Bay Area. In fact, just next week you’re going on an all-expenses-paid day trip to the City of Santa Clara, the new home of the San Francisco 49ers (yes, I know… I don’t like the move out of SF either). You get to travel in luxury for two hours each way in grid-lock traffic in your 2007 Toyota Yaris. AND your mileage gets covered. Plus, you kinda work for the government since your projects are generally contracted with them. That is, a local government usually consisting of a medium-sized city.
See? You’ve made it! Being an environmental consultant is pretty much the same, exact thing as being a spy. Identical jobs. Screw it. It’s even better! So I take back what I said; congratulations, your fun fantasy job has come true.